Now that I can finally talk about my pregnancy and everything is all out in the open I thought it would be very important to write a blog post about the emotional roller coaster that has been my second pregnancy within 6 months and forth pregnancy in 4 years. I never thought a miscarriage at 11 weeks would affect me so much but it definitely has changed how I view pregnancy and my own body. I am sure hormones from pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, not breastfeeding, postpartum period, miscarriage and ovulation play a big role in all of this. It is tough to be a woman, everything we go through is absolutely incredible and I would love to see a man go through it. That would be very comical to me.

I found out I was pregnant with baby Salem after we returned from our anniversary trip to Las Vegas. I had a sneaking suspicion I was pregnant because I was feeling so sick, I couldn’t without feeling nauseous or throwing up and I just wasn’t feeling myself at all. I took a test when we got back and sure enough I was 5 weeks pregnant. it was a whirlwind of emotions when I found out. Less anxious in some ways because the timing was way better than the pregnancy I had months prior but more anxious because I was terrified at the thought of losing this baby as well.

The symptoms hit me like a truck shortly after. Nausea, exhaustion, headaches, dizziness. Definitely the hardest pregnancy I have had to date. I could hardly eat, I couldn’t focus on writing or my business, I could hardly bring myself to be any type of mother, we sat on the couch and watched a lot of movies in those first few weeks. I was taking it day by day and basically just trying to survive at that point. My mind was all over the place. I was going through so much physically but also mentally. Taking pregnancy test after test to make sure my line didn’t disappear, it didn’t and got stronger each time. Terrified to use this washroom for fear of seeing blood. Terrified of every twinge, cramp and different feeling I got. Terrified to be intimate with my husband because that was basically how my bleeding started last time. I did take solace in the fact that despite how bad I was feeling my strong symptoms were a sign that I was very much pregnant and continued to be pregnant.

I was lucky enough again to get a midwife for this pregnancy. Again excited to go this route rather than traditional OB care. I made it to my first appointment. Was 11 weeks pregnant and very anxious to hear a tiny heartbeat. I was disappointed to not hear one and felt my anxiety peak. I needed to hear confirmation that my baby was okay. My midwife took pity on me and set me up for an early ultrasound so I could get confirmation all was well. Unfortunately I had to wait another 3 weeks for this appointment. At 14 weeks I was finally able to see our baby. See its heart beat, see it very visibly looking like a baby and see it wiggling around. A sense of relief flooded over me and I felt like I could breathe for the first time in weeks. We got into Babymoon when I was about 16 weeks and low and behold we found out we are having out our third boy! I was shocked because of how different I was feeling I thought I would for sure be having a girl. But also deep down I kinda knew I would have another boy. But either way what a joy to have 3 boys and a healthy baby! 3 brothers and the best of friends to grow up with. I couldn’t be more thrilled to officially be a boy mom for life.

The anxiety hasn’t dissipated. I have my 20 week anatomy scan in a week and a half and I think once I get the results from that I will finally start to feel as though I can maybe relax. The reality is though that there is no safe zone when it comes to pregnancy and even after that baby is born there are still so many risks. However as each week goes by the risks do go down. It doesn’t change my mixed emotions. I still miss and mourn the baby I lost. I won’t lie and say I was hoping for a boy, I have always wanted a daughter. I think about the baby I lost being a girl and I try to steer clear of those thoughts because it takes me to a dark place. And makes me feel immense guilt for a multitude of reasons. Blaming myself for what happened even though that thought is preposterous. There was nothing I could done and nothing to to prevent that type of outcome. My own guilt for my feelings over my loss and hopes for a girl meanwhile being so grateful to experience another healthy pregnancy and being grateful to have a healthy child period. And I am a damn good boy mom, I know what I am doing and I love this baby more than i can put into words. Like I said it’s been a roller coaster. I miss that blissful ignorance I felt towards pregnancy before my miscarriage. That feeling of safety and security. I wonder if the anxiety will ever really go away with this pregnancy. Part of me knows it won’t until I have our boy safe in our arms.

I feel a sense of judgement from the world for having 3 kids and 4 pregnancies within 4 years. It doesn’t really bother me that much because I am so happy with our life and if you knew us you would know that we have always wanted a big family. I feel a sense of purpose being a mother and pouring everything I am into these little boys to become the best versions of themselves they can be. Call me old fashioned for wanting to stay at home and be a mom but you can’t call me that old fashioned considering I practice tarot and witchcraft HAHA! I am the modern day stay at home mom. Very much modern with an open mind to how I want to raise my kids. Don’t tell me “you have your hands full” I am very well aware my hands are full but so is my life and my heart. I realize that judgement is a normal part of life but next time you see a mom walking around with 2 or 3 littles, offer her a smile or words of encouragement rather than “oh you’ve been busy” or “oh your hands are full.”

We are so excited for this little rainbow. After the year we have both had he couldn’t come at a better time. A tiny little blessing to complete our family. The beauty of a rainbow doesn’t nullify the devastation of the storm. When a rainbow appear it doesn’t mean the storm never happened. What it means is that something beautiful and full of love, light and joy has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Salem is our little rainbow and with him comes a whole slew of other really amazing things to come for our family. We have discussed this being our last child many times. Jesse is perfectly content with 3 and to be honest I am as well. There is that part of me that still yearns to have a daughter. But then I would probably end up with 4 boys HAHA. Which would not be a bad thing at all and actually I was recently told in Chinese culture having 4 boys in a row signifies good luck. The good thing is I am still young and have time to decide if I am truly done. We will see in thee future. But in the mean time we definitely plan to take a break on having kids and just enjoy the time with our three boys and all the good things to follow. I just want to say that if you are struggling with feelings of anxiety of pregnancy after loss you are not alone and the feelings you feel are very normal. I am almost halfway through this pregnancy so I can only speak on my experiences thus far. Just take it day by day and get through it the best you can. Do whatever you can to survive and above all take all the self care you need to get through it.